Words by Shy Winkfield
Art by Eddie Caraces
I am an Alpha (Fe)male. I get what I want, when I want it – with a “please / thank you,” and the absolute best intentions. However, the concept of waiting, let alone waiting in the efforts of enthusiastically handing over a large stack of cash for my cannabis, warrants a, “you’ve got me all sorts of f***ed up,” response. I hate excuses and loathe people who are complacent in being behind the curve. To all of the unreliable connects out there, take notice, I am talking to you!
The connect-and-customer bond is sacred, however, do not confuse cordiality with kinship. We are not friends. I know this because I am an introvert, and I only associate with three other people – none of whom keep me waiting (they all know I have a very short fuse). I live for brevity, so pardon me if I do not give a shit about your woes.
I have a routine. My work life blurs the line of reason, and I long for my end of the day escape – a journey to the cannabinoid-induced unknown. It’s a glorious euphoria, located somewhere just beyond the pearly gates, where annoying colleagues, asshole straphangers and everything you loathe fades away.
An old connect completely upped the ante of ignorance by offering me a key so I could wait for him comfortably. Yes, a key. Yes, it is one of the most absurd offerings I have ever encountered in my thirty-eight years of existence. Naturally I declined the offer. Who does that?! I can have a key, yet the idea of arriving on time is not even a blip on your internal radar? Mmkay!
Another connect told the tallest of tales. From being stuck on a bridge – I am quite confident he is still in traffic on the George Washington – to being twenty minutes away, for days, “Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah!” this guy was a real gem. He would attempt to appease the matter by rolling up a freebie. Ugh. I repeat – we are not friends! – so, the idea of sparking one up, with you, after waiting for hours, is not the best use of my time. Moreover, depending on my mood, it could potentially be hazardous to your health. FOH! Why not aim to be more punctual? The suggestion that paying customers have nothing better to do than wait on you is preposterous.
I long for the days of legalization, although I suspect it will be the end of the era for the unreliable pushers. The idea of being able to file a consumer complaint warms my heart. Grandiose, yes – however, a girl can dream! I will gladly pay taxes and surcharges if it means I can rid my life of this wasted time.